[love and commitment]

speaking of love, i'm really happy for my fren! :) wishing you all the best!!!

let's see. today contenders are somewhat different from yesterday. on one side of the ring we have love, standing young, vibrant, innocent, frivolous, intoxicating, charming, romantic. then at the other end we have our good old friend commitment, looking wizened yet still pertinent, prominent, significent.

well the purpose of the discussion today is not to decide a winner.

the question being: does love include commitment?

somehow my first reaction to it, fundamentally is NO. we all love things. we love the clothes of the season, we love each new charming face that catches our eye. we love the songs of the season. and yes. we love the people around us.

nobody said if u love you should be held down by it.

so should we all just keep moving on to new people to fill that appetite of our great big hearts? that's a question i leave to you but i've learnt a few things about trying to make one last.

i guess in relationships an important truth that many reach after unrequited loves and such is that there is no single person for you in this world.

(get to the damn point you!)

we shouldn't think of door no.2. the way out that exists when we face problems. instead try to work a solution out instead! if u forget about door no.2 you'll have it all.

viola.

[relationships=compromise?]

hmmm somehow currently, based on all the things happening around me, somehow brings out the essential fact that pleasant relationships involve compromises. i'm not talking about the relationships two opposing debators have or that btw sadam and george, since they're not exactly pleasant, not even civil in some cases.

i look at ppl who get burnt out by a small triggering factor, after giving so much. i look at someone else who's given his entire life to something, compromised on alot of other things, and then periodically dishes out the anomalies and pent up frustrations via a volley of vitriol then days of silent treatment. then i see a man who becomes senile after his wife dies.

then i look at myself. hoping i dun become these people. but somehow, i know i'm threading on the same line. leading to the same inexorable conclusion unless...



well the answer shan't be said.



i could always care LESS, love LESS, bother LESS. but won't that make life meaningLESS. pointLESS.

somehow all this talk just makes me wanna try harder. and take another few steps unconsciously down the same path.

[anyone for seconds?]

u look at the clock, for a moment u think it has stopped. then, to set the world back in pace, the second hand moves.

you're about to walk away when something catches your eye. the time looks fine. but when the needle approaches 9, instead of its steady rise, it shudders for a moment, then goes on, somewhat struggling. u decide to give it a miss.

a few weeks later, u find the time's behind by quite abit.

[how are u today?]

feeling reluctant to start work.

(somehow i have this feeling i'm returning to the good old days of reporting every single event online)

the theme for last night's movies. love. death.

first watched tamil serial, manam.

then came kate and leopold.

then saw the last part of valvae maayam.

so yeah. love and death.

dumb pimple-ish thing on nose looks gross and feels even worse when i tried to burst it, despite fears of infections spreading to cavernous sinus. sigh. now my eyes hurt.

bleahz.

[two things]

i've learnt two things.

everything in life with moderation so that we can live in eternity's sunrise.

our drive to make things better will ultimately only lead us back to ourselves, in the hope of finding things that cannot be caught with a net, hunted with a knife, mined for the depths of the earth. hence why princes and kings become ascetics.

conclusion: focus on the present, no need to create a future within your mind. life will present u with one. just accept whatever comes and make the best of it.

[...]

body of thoughts.

[pause]

love, like life, isn't about what you want, its about how u react based on what you've been given.

kinda realised that today. u know its like when a feeling condenses into a logical strand of words.

thinking about my uncle brought me here today. just wondered if i'm doing enough for the people who really care about me. if i really needed help, who could i count on? who would bear my sorrows with a reassuring smile, though they're crying inside with me, not laughing instead?

when u think about it, life becomes meaningless without having such people in your life.

[valentine's day]

the counter turns 4 months today :)

consciously went to check back my blog archives on wad i was feeling this time of the year in the past years.
2005 - basically i was in army. just had field camp. had lotsa deep thoughts going on about love. my problems with passing ippt and their implications on my dream of going to command school.

a mysterious, yet familiar post...

Friday, February 11, 2005

{hmmm........}

wise men say,
only fools rush in
but i can't help
falling in love
with you

of course we all know who that meant. or maybe i could have said it in jest. but that was a time when all i had to hold was a dream that was never there. something's always better than facing the bleakness of the void.

another excerpt

i'll have to agreed with the song, the heart is definitely no mirror so that new faces come and go. each time a new face fills it, when that face has to go, it leaves behind a mark. u can't just reformat harddrive. and how do we move on from there? do we just find a new face to fill the void left by the other? i just can't keep doing this...

i tell myself its just something that happens at this age, but i guess we'll have to contend with it for the rest of our lives. at least songs give me some solace.

give me strength to surmount all difficulties. steel my heart, and guard it well.

let's go back yet another year. february 2004. i'm in rjc. year 2. these were the times i blogged all the time! everyday also must blog.

hmmm. isn't it interesting that there's a QUIT in the word unreQUITed? hmmm. i get the drift.can't wait to flip the pages of my life to the next chapter. however, struggling whether or not to move on.

same sentiment. gosh u've felt the same way for about a year. congratz man! u should have celebrated the anniversary of u feeling crappy.

on valentine's day itself, i just put the lyrics of Back at one by Brian Mcknight.

next day, comes this, my attempts to explain wad happened in the stealthiest of manner

haha. had a swell valentine's day. i guess in some contorted way, it had all the elements of the ideal valentine's day.

let's see, ideal valentine's day. wad are the ingredients? a quiet moment with your loved one, just you and her, without the rest of your life bearing down on you. something simple, meaningful, poignant and reflective. a quick exchange of looks, a reassurance that we'll always be there for each other?

two days more to valentine's day.

i read the newspapers and their extensive coverage of this "hot" event. in general, i've this impression that journalists are spiteful ppl. they write witty reviews of movies, and condemn simple, happy movies as being infantile. valentine's day is a mockery, a waste of money, the works. well, qualification needs to be made. i meant the journalists they let cover the event. those in love would have been too busy daydreaming.

as for me, wad could i possibly want? wad does v.day mean to me now? i guess in a way, deep inside, i wish for all the things i never got to do. all the things i wished for but never got. change the word unrequited to mutual, two way sorta thing.

that tingling feeling.

[will we?]

sometimes u wonder, will we ever get to the happily ever after part of the story?

[the story goes...]

think i'll get craig david's album. damn that's one helluva album title don't u think. the story goes... in spite of all that's happened. like we were all meant to live a certain way. a certain invisible thread leading us to the inexorable conclusions of the ideals we stand for, under the variable yet constantly challenging environment around us.

some updates.

somewhat annoyed by a certain thing. too sensitive to mention as it involves people.

lost over wad to do or get for valentine's day. or re-evaluate wad feb14 means to me, now that i'm where i am.

work. work is good though i'll need to do alot better.

exercise is non-existent.

i just hope you're feeling good! that's all i really want right now. somehow.

[day]

TODAY ROCKED. PERFECT DAY!

(outingateastcoastandlunchatfishandco.)

[too close for comfort]

haha yet another of my time wasting efforts, u would say. but i guess i find some peace from voicing out my ideas here.

had a somewhat scary experience last night online. dunno, i'm just not used to girls talking too sweetly to me. and coming from a stranger, somewhat, it felt kinda scary. natural defensive mechanisms activated, i tried to get away.

its like that nightmare that's happened to me at least twice. i just keep walking through a crowd of blank faces and then suddenly there's this guy whom i've never met before, who's so happy so see me that he's like jumping and smiling and he comes and hugs me and i push him away. and he keeps trying to hug me. eventually i start running from him, his smile trailing me mercilessly.

hmmm, i guess i'm somewhat, unresolved.

another related relevation i made on the bus ride to woodlands. best expressed in the words of william blake.

ETERNITY

He who binds to himself a joy
Does the winged life destroy;
But he who kisses the joy as it flies
Lives in eternity's sunrise.

oh how true. another beautiful poem,

Love seeketh not itself to please,
nor for itself hath any care,
but for another gives its ease,
and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.

how poetry represents the words beyond the words.

[me, myself and i]

when is the half filled cup half full? when issit half empty? does it matter whether its your cup or others?

sometimes i wish i think differently.