when i left the zoo

[this is how a heart breaks]

the title has no link to my current post but actually reflects the song i'm listening to...

hahah when u wake up at 1245pm, after sleeping at 7 am smth after staying up the whole night playing Dune (the old classic one)... you feel your life is in shambles.

i guess i'm just bored.

get a grip.

[gods amongst us]

it just dawned on me that none of us has seen God. yet we feel his compassion, his love, his pureness.

in such a case, do we always need to know that God loves us? how will we ever know? its something we just have to believe.

likewise. u will be my god.

beyond doubt.

[god]

noticing a recent trend in my life.

reason why we rush to the altar to pray:
1. to get something when u know that it's quite beyond yourself alone.

01 Campfire was great! really alot of effort put in by J1s!

[conclusions]

just me, with the company of my thoughts...

just some conclusions i've reached after thinking about things... (as usual)

firstly, about why we do the things we do, guess there's two forces, the human being u intrinsically are (drives like jealousy, mating driven drives) and personality you've developped over the course of your life.

in that sense, our life is somewhat predictable, i believe its possible to predict how someone would react in a particular situation if we knew the person's entire life story, and taking into account that the person is, only human, as our dear Smith would say.

however, we can only predict.

there is still that element of choice, as much as we deny its existence. we still have the choice of listening to the voices inside us or choosing the other path.

my gameplan: i've kinda looked at how my life would probable end up at this current rate, from there, i'm going to make the relevant shifts away.

guess this is less stressful than willing your entire life...

hmmm, man is something to be overcome? (nietzsche)

causality... inexorable...

[...]

saddest days of my life

[truths on love]

3 types of love (evolutionary mechanism)
1. romantic love (to find partner)
2. lust (procreate)
3. attachment (stay together long enough to raise kid)

breaking up
stage 1: protect : desperate attempt to salvage (enable u to dump person)
stage 2: regignation: debilitating depression (conserve energy)

[meditations on love]

quotes i managed to glean from my book

he always lives in a state of need
- socrates on the God of love

my heart was to thy rudder
tied by string

still, still to hear her tender taken breath,
and so live ever - or else swoon to death

say that i might live in hope
- king pyyrhus

the word love comes for the sanskrit "lubh"
which means to desire

'green ey'd monster - jealousy'

love is blynd - chaucer

we must live in tears
unwind a love knit up in many years
in this last kiss I have surrender thee
back to thyself. Lo thou again art free
- post henry king

how cruel, you say. but did i not
warn you? shall i count for you
love's ways. fear, jealousy, revenge - pain
they all belong to love's innocent game
- tristan & iseult

[miserable]

wah. its one of those miserable days when you wish u had just gone for a aspire camp so that u could be damn tired and just sleep like the dead. i remember that morning during aspire, when we din sleep the whole night and had to sew some shit in the morning. wah never in my life did sleep ever seem so important and precious.

i guess this is the wrong time to be reading a book on WHY WE LOVE. i understand the mechanisms and evolutionary rationale behind everything but it really doesn't help. and the chapter on how to deal with breaking up is far too portent a sign for me.

somehow everything's summed up in one word inexorable. the cruel vicious chains of events called casuality. A leads to B leads to C leads to D. ad infitinum. and here i am at the end of that ever growing chain, my life dominated with events that i did not cause.

[this is how a heart breaks]

i wish there were more people in this world who lived for others. somehow i've reached a conclusion that alot of people in this world spend their lives for themselves.

ha. u can call me whatever u want. idealistic. yeah i've heard that too many times. like that scout person who did an appraisal for me. sorry i can't stoop to your base levels. ha! and there's ego and pride there as well, add it to your list.

not gonna give up my game here, but i'm gonna start working towards reaching that goal. i will get there, through smiles, effort, perserverence, tears. whatever.

some times u get hit too much until u kinda get used to it.