[heyy]

of late, been feeling similar feelings like i felt during secondary school. that feeling of pissed off ness when u fall asleep when you're not supposed to. that fidgety feeling in the morning when u feel that all that energy is going to waste as u make your way to school.

haiz. of late, feeling quite down i guess. its like so many things u wanna do, but you can't.

and as i've realised, its just so hard to be the change you want to see in the world. maybe what i'm wanting to see is not the right thing, perhaps.

as i look into the abyss, the abyss looks back into me. a new friend found.

speaking of friends, why can't u just accept the way i am? just let me be the way i want to be. i know i may not always be right. maybe the ideals i believe in are just bullshit. but wadeva it is, i'm don't think i'm doing anything wrong. if i can accept you for everything you are, why can't u just attempt to do the same with me. if everyone thought they were old and wise, and knew how everything should be, then how can we ever see another person's way of thinking as something special and unique in itself.

[hmm]

remembered the condom in my bag. hahah went to the weird AIDS exhibition in school today. its quite interesting to attend something like this, somehow i do feel that we medical students view this whole concept differently from other people. or maybe we don't?

had this idea after going thru the whole "exhibition", a madhouse with bras strewn all over. a shady bed.

isn't life something like one of these playhouses/madhouses. when we're born we have totally no idea wad's all this about. but we spend our whole lives in it, its the playhouse society has created so that we all are somewhat moving in the same direction. imagine a world where nobody had to work? no money? rather hard to imagine since co-operative work is what has kept our species alive all this while, while all the more physically stronger animals around us yielded to our co-operative brilliance, our brains growing to find infinite ways to solve the infinite mysteries of this world. and somewhere along the way, we ran out of other species to compete with, so we had to be content with fighting amongst ourselves. but that's not really any issue, all organisms turn on each other in congested environments. nowadays we fight for almost any single difference we can find, race, religion, belief, and damn thing that seperates you and me. cos its this differences that give meaning to our lives. that our loved ones are different from other ppl. that our home is special. that our race is unique. that our religion is the only way to God. ha! and so in this madhouse, we all develop skills to survive within the madhouse. all our lives we try to understand it, but i wonder if anyone has gotten anywhere.

(random interjection from the Matrix : We cannot see beyond the choices we do not yet understand)

hahah then at the end of it all, we get to step out off the madhouse, we see the world for what it truly is, pure, free, unassuming. we recall the adventures we had in the madhouse, we think back on the purpose that we create for ourselves in this world. then, we somehow peer forward into the abyss, where there is no purpose, and we smile to ourselves.

[guys]

give in so as to conquer.

life as smth where u give your best, though u may not always get wad u want. apply the same concept to ppl.

[smth new]

i realise alot of time is spent trying to prevent myself from changing. should we stand still, and remain rooted to our values? or wad sense would it make staying rooted when the very source of the values is changing?

the fear of becoming something i dun wanna be. that fear serves as a great incentive to cling on fastidiously to beliefs.

gonna try smth new.

[deePaVaLi]

wow. just mentioned two frens names.

it was a good holiday. lotsa family time. always nice to see young kids in action. so much life going on around us, yet week after week is spent on just a few lives connected to our own. so much future ahead of everyone.

when a girl calls your mum "attai". i guess u should be wary. hahaha.

had a wonderful conversation with a great fren.

had a wonderful missed call from another great fren. so nice to finally hear from you!

either than family, and splendid food, and running into some cash, which will help me buy a new pair of either shoes or jeans, i've watched like 2.5 tamil movies. last one was half of ghajini, which i watched just for the love part. the killing part is sad.

love. when you find the right person And if u get to be with the person you're so so lucky. i wonder if i've fulfilled any of these criteria yet. fulfilling only some of the criteria is also sad.

and THAT news. still in my head. boy, get your act together.

i'll be there for u guys.

[yo makkalz!]

hahah deepavali's around the corner. yeah, congrats to all the brown ppl out there. dj mog's next song going out to all of ya.

haha. yes. immunology is damn interesting. maybe i should go into it, but i dunno how well i'd fare in the CAs. criteria for future job: u must like it, or u must be good at it. halfway there.

hahaha when it gets this late at night, i somehow feel i'm just competing with the needle of the watch to see how long i can hold up till i really can't take it, and the fear of crashing the next day outweighs the supposed benefits of "staying up" and studying. but as u can see, i'm far from mugging right now. right.

yes. i think i should quit the whole 'hot girl' thing. i recently find every discussion i initate to be around this topic. deprived boy.

related to this topic. i guess i'm doing wad i was doing last time. chucking all my hopes and dreams and expectations to that imaginary person, with this causing 'retrospective chaos' as well. like u say, its true i live in my own world of ideals. but, its too attractive to abandon, only to have to face the world for all its wadeva-ness. the world is simply put, infinite, u can add all kinds of ideas to it, polarise it anyway u want, but the fact remains, its spectacularly infinite. but admiting its infinite-ness, and applying that to your life principle, doesn't that mean nothing really matters? everything is okay, good is good, bad is bad. so where exactly are you headed then?

If the doors of perception were cleansed, everything would appear to man as it is, infinite - William Blake

[mess]

i think i should quit it for awhile. but i dun know when i'll be back u see.

staying pure means when u lose u stay unpure. guess that's where all the ego has gone to. in the knowledge that u always have to do the right thing. it sure helps one chart a clear course, but its definitely not an easy one. u could take the alternative, the muddled path where u change with the environment, but its scary to not know where you're headed.

at least that's wad i think.

can't afford to bring anyone else down in the process.

[the another final farewell]

i guess for me, everything has been rationalised. and even love has become this ideal state of perfect bliss in equilibrium, with its own set of rules, that i've placed upon it to ensure it always stays pure in my head.

but maybe that isn't the best thing to do. you get caught in weird logical situations. but maybe its just i'm not ready yet. can't just un-rationalise things at whim and fancy.

its hard to say wad's changing, cos everything's changing. the observer isn't really stationary anymore. he too is in a state of change.

it feels like a whirlpool where so many colours are mixing together at the same thing, giving rise to so many other colours that then interact again...

wah. breathtaking.

[wish]

if i had one wish. i'd wish u'd always be happy.

[plunge]

hahah i realise we're so close to clinics. time's flying and this time of the year next year, i could be in the wards, being a doctor trainee! suddenly the words doctor trainee, reminds me of my lost chances of going OCS. how i din push hard enough, that JC trend. in a way i guess its a good lesson that will remind me, how you have to work for the things you want.

yeah. my list of dissapointments. recently a new entry. but i guess i've become twice as good a person as a result of my experience. but hopefully the damage is reversible, i'm putting my faith in time and the amazing power of the next person i'm gonna find, the light that will clear all my worries, heal all wounds, fall in love all over again. and most importantly, find that one elusive thing. but i guess till then life's gonna be tinged with those moments when soppy lyrics replay in your mind, its hurts abit but you smile anyway. but its acceptable, somethings gotta give.

my perfect imagery of plunging into the future, would be i guess, a few things. like perhaps that scene of jack sparrow jumping into the Krazen's jaws (sounds more like suicide). then there's the classic of a gundam launching via the catapult. then there's always "for zion..." and "for frodo"... but those just dun make my list.

i'm having a itchy nose day. ugh.

here i go!

[empty]

all we have is the present moment. and we spend it too often thinking of a future we have no control over.

James Blunt - You're Beautiful

My life isbrilliant.
My life is brilliant
My love ispure.
I saw an angel.
Of that I'm sure.
Shesmiled at me on the subway.
She was with another man.
But I won't lose no sleep on that,
'CauseI've got a plan.You're beautiful.
You're beautiful.You're beautiful, it'strue.
I saw your face in a crowded place,
And Idon't know what to do,
'Cause I'll never bewith you.

[one big full circle]

hahah. brandon and muru! i hope you guys are fine! wherever u are and whatever you're doing! hahah somehow u dun really miss them so much when they're around in singapore. but its sad when u know they're not in singapore anymore. hahah but yah! its always nice to step outside your normal play area. widen your horizons.

and kaypoh mog had to go read the relevant blogs. i hope everything always works out. love that's true. good old pure pure love. its the purest thing in the world. ah... like chocolate? but yes. i guess its more like a destination that exists within your heart. its like that first kiss when u don't expect it. its like a thousand of those moments when we wish we could live that moment again and again forever till our life ended. just being there. frozen, immortalised, forever.

(then again, forever lasts only as long as you want it)

hahaha dreams dreams.

ohhh like yesterday i remembered something. i remembered that i was a RI boy. i remembered singing the school song on that stretch home. how it gave me so much pride. so much self worth. nothing seemed impossible. i remembered being a leader of the school. scouts, PB, orientation.

it was pure.

in a moment, i felt the strength coming back. the same familiar power coursing thru the same veins. it was good.

we'll do our best in ev'ry test. oh how i love that line.

raffles!