[dream]

had this dream just now that somehow i was recalled to army. saw my platoon sgt. however my section/platoon consists of mew, jim, kums, and other randomers! how strange.

then somehow we're supposed to immediately leave for some mission somewhere.

told not to bring handphone but i decide to smuggle one in, cos i had no time to tell my parents of this sudden overseas deployment.

i hurriedly pack my bag and as i head for the jetty the boat's already leaving.

but somehow i desperately wanna get on so i jump on random other boats and finally do some commando crawl on the rope connecting the boat to another boat.

after my exertions to get on board i only get asked by my friends why i just couldn't wait for the next boat. felt sad.

then we reach the place. feel jungley. get briefed in the attap hut thingy, by some person. our local guide is this lady called codename "gold fish" or smth weird. "gold fish" wears a tight cheongsam, with alot of makeup on her face. somehow reminds me of the female tanya-like unit u can command in C&C: Generals.

then everyone runs out of the room after the briefing and the person tells me to take the bottles of water that have been left there for us. but most of the guys are already out and i scramble to take as many bottles as i possibly can.

end of dream as i wake up sweaty and mostly confused. and partly sad.

[abyss]

time is flying so very fast.

"Whoever battles monsters should take care not to become a monster too, for if you stare long enough into the Abyss, the Abyss stares also into you."
—Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, chapter 4, no. 146

[nihilism]

while the disk defragmentation goes on in the background, decided to check out marvel supervillains, namely Morlun, Thanos, Annihilus. Its amazing how much philosophy and metaphysics are used to back the marvel characters, and the stories about them.

then found out that Thanos, believes in Nihilism. first i dunno what that is, so decided to google it. found out... "Nihilism (from the Latin nihil, nothing) is a philosophical position which argues that the world, especially past and current human existence, is without objective meaning, purpose, comprehensible truth, or essential value. Nihilists generally assert some or all of the following: there is no reasonable proof of the existence of a higher ruler or creator, a "true morality" is unknown, and secular ethics are impossible; therefore, life has no truth, and no action can be preferable to any other."

recently i have been wondering where all this is headed. the world doesn't seem to have any purpose. we just live. we consume and eventually just increase the entropy of the universe. we try to be good cos we tell ourselves its worth it. the few things we try to keep constant, like a raft we cling on to, as we are bobbing aimlessly in the wide sea of eternity and infinity.

finding peace with the universe.

[tools of the trade]

when u learn diseases, its so easy to just say what's wrong. but imagine u have a person who just walked into your clinic, how would you go about elucidating the facts you need, understand the unique beliefs of your patient, and institute a proper treatment regime that will be adhered to.

now is the time for lofty ideals, best case scenarios. i have this gut feeling tomorrow's session at the wards will draw my attention to other things, namely my lack of ability to converse in chinese.

[life goes on]

saturday was 01 campfire/annual show. well maybe we've all just gotten sick of the video + show concept, maybe we all could use a simple campfire's-burning-draw-nearer kinda campfire. been a long time since i attended one of those btw. still remember have to soak the wooden chunks in kerosene. then dry them. nice.

really looking forward to tomorrow. i'm hoping somehow i'm reborn tml, finally able to cast aside everything, anything, anybody who's been holding me back. just open your wings, catch the upward breeze and soar. For the One who's always been looking out for me, please give me the strength and courage to let me be all that i can be.

it feels like the first day of going to RI. check whether your shoes are polished.even the tiny specks of dust over the day must be exterminated. plan timetable. see which class/ clinical group you're in. haven't gotten to deciding what to wear, just off yet. but definitely gonna iron better than i usually do. and yeah just remembered wanna send some dudes some smses!

first impressions count =)

btw, managed to finally extract the photos from my own camera, had to charge the lousy batteries first. i miss the place somehow, i guess i miss the company much more, and leaving all my worries when i crossed the causeway. more msgs due?

wow. more things to do. good things.

somehow i'm always afraid my past experience has screwed me for life. quite coincidentally, just as i was thinking about it, stumbled about this segment of a tamil movie. this guy was charged in court for attempting suicide. he accepts wadeva punishment the court will give him but claims that the girl that caused his suicide attempt should also be prosecuted. well she's hauled up in court, she comes to learn from the millions of sources how much he cared about her. btw, she dumped him cos they were off different status (he sells tea. she's some rich kid studying college). finally she changes her mind and declares that she'll marry him, and the court throws out the case. so outside the court, she comes up all smiley to him. (at this point, i was SERIOUSLY hoping he WON'T do the TAMIL MOVIE thing, which would be to just say "hey i love you, come let's live happily ever after") and yes. he did NOT. badass scene lah. excerpt...

guy: it took u all these other ppl to know how much i loved u, yet when i myself pleaded and cried in front of you, u couldn't see it... u din like me cos i can't speak english, well here's the only word i know, GOODBYE (of course this Goodbye is repeated like three times, the classic ECHO effect used for impactful stuff)

BADASS.

anyhow quite alot of parallels with my own life, now and then, so yeah quite a memorable movie.

a new age is upon me, as i race towards that milestone when i reach 21, so many things i hope to achieve by then.

yet the shroud of microB will haunt me, i will do the necessary.

[evolution]

first and foremost, just to let smth out, "go directly to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200."

just some random unresolved hate lingering around, decided to smack it down.

speaking of smack that, my body's still aching from our smack that session, must have been putting it thru quite some strain these few days. and the rhinorrhea doesn't seem to be abating. the sickly feeling sucks. high morbidity.

i have been mustering enough energy to type a post. really have been feeling so tired and too overcome to write a simple blog post these days.

my conversations with Eros. i've decided to love. i've learnt that its foolish trying to ask, what does Love mean, absolute meaning? i guess its more relevant to ask, what does Love mean to you? do u still love when its one sided? i've had too many experiences with unrequited love, yet the path ahead seems to be this well trodden path yet again. and yet, the hope keeps me going.

and yes, reminding myself that love should not ask for anything in return.

too many comic books too many comic books. u buy into the superhero mentality, strive for things far beyond yourself, definitely far even for superheroes if they were around in the flesh.

but then again, life as a normal person, seems, normal.

i need to sleep again. goodnight world. campfire later. ROCKS.

[just so you know]

hahah i stand at the edge of the cliff. wondering if i should take that next step in the blind faith that something will hold me up.

if it feels so stupid, maybe i just shouldn't do it?

[beautiful]

hahah slept so long. from around 8pm last night all the way till 6am in the morning. if i had hanged in there longer, it'd be 12 hrs of zzzzzzzzz.

but i'm still tired, its when u get too much sleep when you don't want it, u wanna keep doing things.

anyhow here's a beautiful song, that accompanied me thru the exams but din get the time to put up the lyrics... an interesting point to note, as the DJ on the radio was saying... what if the pieces never fit in the first place?

"The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore" - James Morrison

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

[what makes u any better?]

just one of those deep emotional episodes that always come during exams. maybe its just exam stress expressing itself via my other insecurities, issues.

think i should try to figure out new ways to improve my means of studying. AFTER the exams.

u know, sometimes pride gets the better of you. u just wanna stick to your way. obstinately.

and i guess the constant pressure to BE THE CHANGE, to do the right thing, has made me somewhat, screwy. maybe the word is self-righteous, though google doesn't seem to enlighten me sufficiently on the meaning of the word. the words, the words, they make all the difference (a simple few words by a fren made me elevate her to the highest levels of my respect and concern). back to the self-righteousness, it just makes u kinda detached from things. like the correct decision has already been made, its just whether u want to follow it. in a way, u become a slave to things beyond you, although u yourself have yet to make that transcendance, look beyond the trivial things that you're not supposed to be bothered with. its the trivial things that do matter, yet u should learn to let them pass.

just feel like tearing everything down and starting with nothingness. get rid of all that pride, holier than thou bullshit, just see things for what they are instead of what they should be. i guess that means we still dream. the big dreams. but u don't let the dream dictate your life?

figure this out soon.

[thankyou]

to the song that saved me from the coldness of the night.

"How To Save A Life" - The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears youA
nd pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

[snap]

wish everytime in the future i feel like just doing nothing, i could remember this moment. but i haven't been slacking haven't i? but why does it feel the same feeling all over again? maybe i'm just at my limits, i shouldn't think i can pull off last minute things like most people around seem to be able to do.

feeling fat, from too much food and too little exercise. and no. i'm not just randomly complaining. going for a run seems like a luxury. confined to crunches to contain the expanding belly.

hair is long. needs cropping.

hahah john legend's PDA must be song of the moment. maybe we'll go too far? let's go somewhere they can follow us? hilarious, a song all about PDA.

and maybe i've found my calling. shall see if the feeling still lasts after exams. i guess when you get to explore your deepest emotions as part of your work, definitely quite some innate motivation there rite?

read with interest about developments in dating and SDU's new role in guiding other organisations. well, i think i'll give it a shot, someday. who knows rite?

just like how i wanna drive F1 and before that go watch vroom vroom at sepang, someday. (parents warning how dangerous it is) maybe mclaren or ferrari will hire me. why doesn't porsche have a team? i'm curious how they change gears, since both hands on steering. some levers on the steering wheel. then in that case, issit an automatic transmission, no need to worry about clutch? and they seriously go very fast. woah.

i miss you, clutch.

(hahah that sounds good enough to be the title of a new blog, if i decided to create one.)

maybe we'll go too far?

[studystudystudy]

taking a break from owy to appreciate stoning and doing nothing. went blog surfing, nothing really much, maybe one exciting post?

prisonbreak's going on now... decided to skip it and mug...

muggggggg

hope it works out well. supps are sucky. i know the feeling.

[guys]

just a random shout out against all the hate in the world.

why?

i want my porsche. boooo. nowwww. dun wanna drive one when i'm 60!

just went to check out matrimonial webpages. dunno why, cos i fren mentioned it once to me?

just feels so sad. seriously.

[the mind's a terrible thing to waste]

hahah shall enjoy the "chella peru apple" song after this post.

anyhow i feel i may have found my calling. something to do with the human mind. neuroscientist? psychiatry? as i scratch at the surface slowly, trying to make sense of epilepsy and anxiety, the ways of the brain and how they relate to our emotions is really wonderful. imagine, someday maybe the whole brain gets mapped out, we figure out all the components to the machine that is our mind, explain the human psyche. could we then predict everything? i believe that day will someday come.

wow. and i wish i could traverse throughout this world, and live a day in everyone's life.