[no internet]

hey frens. sorry my modem died on monday... since then have to use the sch comp for internet... so shan't be blogging till i get a new modem from singtel... maybe sometime next week. sadness.

take care ya'll

[try]

gotta keep going... stumbled upon this song, din know nelly furtado had sung it as well... somehow there's a certain beauty in her voice... somehow... found solace in her words... somehow i feel the lyrics kinda sum up what its like being in a relationship...

"Try" - nelly furtado

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

[makes me wonder]

currently stoning in medical library, tutorial starts at 845. soon.

hahaha the pleasures of aircon. wad a hot day today.

did u look at the sky in the morning today? so beautiful that shade of blue. gives hope =) show's wad a good artist God can be. or maybe its just by chance? but like some would argue, wad's the chance of everything working out so beautifully? improbable, but not impossible.

just like how we struggle through life.

my favourite kick ass lyrics currently, from my boys Maroon5's new hit, Makes Me Wonder,

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a f**k about you

have a wonderful day ahead ya'll :)

[deal or no deal]

no matter what the crowd or your "supporters" are shouting, remember its you in the hot seat each time.

sometimes its good to be your own man, each day passes as the many people of your life just pass by. faces faces faces. you give your best of what u can offer them, but when out of sight, u have your problems to contend with. your own demons to fight. and yeah, everyone else is fighting their own demons as well. not bad, not a ripple in the emotional state, was generally composed for most of the day, tml i'll try even harder =)

somehow it feels like i'm digging for treasure, and the soil i've dug out is only seperating me from my fellow diggers, even as i go even further towards my dreams.

saw a porsche today. kinda fulfilled my desire of late to see the beast as night, that silver not shimmering in the sunlight but its ominous presence prevading in the hearts of who stop to look.

hopefully we're all headed to the same place, hopefully i meet u along the way at least.

[the process]

i'm slacking like shat. and have somehow passed the afternoon without doing work.

just wanted to share some things i realised when gymming.

suddenly, there's so many nice guys around! yah good news for all you gals. everyone seems to be doing the right things for the girls in their life.

somehow i rmb the time when i wondered why guys just din know how to be nice to girls.

but all that has changed now. made me wonder, in a few years time, will it even matter wad people used to be?

like i rmb all those punks in RI, just din give a damn. the kind who'd raise his fist at the smallest excuse. then they suddenly when JC and became angels. will it matter who they once used to be?

feeling kinda cheated, cos i wish i had been more like that. cannot be bothered, just do your own thing, dun care if you're stepping on someone else's toes, if you're hurting anyone's feelings.

learning point: i'm gonna appreciate each person as a process.

so the next time u see this old dude drive by in a mercedes, try to think of the path he took to get where he is now, instead of just thinking he's always been rich (but that's also possible).

the process.

[one last indulgence]

came online to type a post, a last indulgence before i face the tasks i'm supposed to complete today. having a surgery test tml, hope to go prepared, whether or not i remember all the steps, at least i can say i've read up.

hope that works out well.

5 days of clinicals await.

talking to a good fren now. yay.

love?

[wheeee]

i ponned.

time to get priorities straight.

had a morbid breakfast today. the newspaper that was laid out to prevent the table from being dirtied was this article about this father who wrote a book about his son who lived his life with courage in the face of a terminal cancer.

and remembering morbid, yesterday before tutorial. saw a "tray" coming out of a ward, properly containing a deceased person inside.

finding new strength thru a poem.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.

-- William Earnest Henley

[myself]

you may have just saved me from myself

thanks

[gwah]

cannot be bothered~!

keepyourhandsoffmygirl... andtherecordkeepsplayingthesameoldsong

may this night last forever

[ennai konjam maatri]

love revisited. remembered one quote from a movie.

there may be a thousand reasons for why a union of hearts shouldn't take place, but for it to happen, all it needs is one good reason.

and for all doomed relationships, it is my conclusion that that one thing was lost.

[how to save a life]

when i stepped past the gates of my house, i noticed all the shoes in a mess around the shoerack. i thought, well let's just do our own part, so i kept away all my shoes properly. leaving my bro's shoes still everywhere.

after my nap, i wake up, realise an entire argument had gone on, probably arising, precipitated by the untidiness of the shoes and the socks left strewn around.

"had i'd known, how to save a life"

[i wish]

hahah feeling quite dumb for getting myself into my current predicament. i mean, everyone else seems to make it, what's wrong with you!?

i wish could just heck everything and study lah. CSFC is damn waste time sometimes.

i wish mother's day could be like later in the year, when i could possibly dedicate more time to doing smth.

while everyone's focusing on being a better clinician, here i am revising the microb.

[addicted]

why does the heart keep searching on and on? it feels like i'm the hapless maid taking the giant pet heart for a walk and its going whereever it wants to and i have to keep tugging back to keep it from wandering off to danger.

well danger?

i just need a break, but i realise quite a fair deal of love waiting to happen out there.

for now, let me just focus on the task as hand, as i prepare to escape the executioner, as each day feels like the noose is getting tighter.

[....]

"gimme hope jo'anna." the lyrics keep replaying in my head, though the song is about some sociopolitical issues in Africa. something like Walking on the Sun by Smashmouth. Hiding some serious stuff in soothing songs. devious.

"hope before the morning comes"

i guess my favourite scene in S3 was when the final battle stage was set. the reporter's voice in the background as spidey swings into the swing.

the words we've heard so many times before yet had a special significence for me today.

"just as all hope seems lost"

kinda makes u feel that no matter what great shithole you're in. u can find a way out. or maybe just stay afloat long enough for others to save your sorry ass.

resolved to grow out my hair and look more "professional" than my current "sporty" look.

finally dared to ask for reasons today. reasons that seems so .... were they even said then?

well, till the next person saves me from the shambles i've been reduced to yet again.

i guess my attempts become whole again were recently interrupted. shall pursue that course yet again. only way i can ever see myself truly free from the vicissitudes of fate. at least, from other people.

[fear]

results out on friday. maybe its a good thing. get resolved faster. either in or out. in any case, its scary.

today learnt respiratory exam. definitely not as hard as the book would make it out to be.

in a way, it feels like doing comm service every day, talking to patients and finding out what's bugging them. today the dude held my hand, think i should have just stayed to talk. i hope he's okay, surrounded by people who love him, even though he's returning to a Home for senior citizens.

finally doing what i wanted to do from the start.

Home is where the heart is? for me its become somewhat related to my problems of my heart. i hope u can understand.

jinyi's bday on friday. kinda looking forward to it, a chance to hang out with the class, and one really special dude.

and i've decided to just spend more time with the imaginary girl in my head. decided its quite safe and i won't go all psycho doing that. i hope. yups that's what its all about. hope. and a regular dose of soppy movies with happy endings should keep me going.

cheerios.

[show me the horizon]

i remember what captain jack sparrow says at the end of the first Pirates of the C movie. smth along the lines of ... ahhh... now show me the horizon... and the scene shifts to show the boat sailing off into the open see, no land in sight, the warm glorious glow of the sun for company.

having one of those moments where u ask yourself. what's holding you back from having all that u want? doing all the things u intend to do.

happiness. in some strange way. nothing in front, clear roads, time to hit the accelerator, see what this baby's got.

now to get stuff done before sleep gets to me.