when i left the zoo

2008-07-13T00:39:00.002+08:00

[recesses of my mind]

there are things that scare me.

read some zen saying somewhere that when you're afraid you should spend some time with the fear, let it get as big as your imagination can let it, and through that you learn to overcome it.

kinda helps.

yet another step forward. i'm sure of it.

2008-05-17T12:34:00.002+08:00

[fathers and sons]

noticed a vicious cycle.

when we're young we get pissed off by our parents and decide to pursue our own goals.

then we have kids, they dun live up to our expectations, despite we dedicating our entire lives to them, so we scold them. they decide to heck it and pursue their own goals. u then realise how you've been wrong to your own parents and decide to salvage wad's left of that relationship. in the process, you've succesfully ensured your kids will end up in the same state as you.

i guess u could break the cycle in many places. if anyone decided to be nice and bear with the crap, i guess we could have prevented it. or maybe we could do away with expectations.

a side note, have u guys had this sudden realisation nowadays that your life's turning out so much like your parents?

life screws us all.

2008-04-20T19:29:00.002+08:00

[the search continues]

its hard to find something when you don't really know what you're looking for. Yet it remains the same thing, or at least my life needs it the same way it has always needed it. that one thing to make it, suddenly off tangent to the rest, like something.

Somehow i find these lines from "The Prestige" especially poignant.

Cutter: Every great magic trick consists of three parts or acts. The first part is called "The Pledge". The magician shows you something ordinary: a deck of cards, a bird or a man. He shows you this object. Perhaps he asks you to inspect it to see if it is indeed real, unaltered, normal. But of course... it probably isn't. The second act is called "The Turn". The magician takes the ordinary something and makes it do something extraordinary. Now you're looking for the secret... but you won't find it, because of course you're not really looking. You don't really want to know. You want to be fooled. But you wouldn't clap yet. Because making something disappear isn't enough; you have to bring it back. That's why every magic trick has a third act, the hardest part, the part we call "The Prestige".

i guess my life's still at the pledge, i continue to remind others and myself each day how normal i am.

2008-04-03T21:46:00.002+08:00

[sakit]

no wonder ppl thought that the heart is the seat of emotion. oh how my heart hurts. but i'll survive this one.

wondering where its all headed towards. feel like there's so much at stake, and as each second passes by i feel helpless as it just passes by me.

suddenly feel the need to run. that effect u get after long hikes. when all your emotion's been burnt up, jettisoned away cos its extra weight u can't afford.

2008-03-30T20:37:00.002+08:00

[gundam]

it couldn't have ended any better. and i'll continue to believe that setsuna and allelujah are still alive, somewhere. just like that crap ali is still around. who else dares to step into the cockpit of 00 gundam?

exia is given a sword for a reason =)

http://www.veoh.com/videos/v6542047MSmZafXN

thanks zy.

2008-03-25T07:27:00.002+08:00

[life]

just felt like posting yesterday, but din get a chance.

thought about things, really happy cos i realised that there's at least 10 ppl i know who can really understand or would want to understand me.

somehow that means alot.

2008-03-23T16:47:00.001+08:00

[the difference]

the difference is how much we try.

2008-03-17T01:12:00.002+08:00

[lockon stratos]

this blog's dedicated to neil dylandy, aka lockon stratos, who died in field of duty at the hands of ali-al saachez.

haha poor thing, i was hoping all 4 meisters stay alive to see the changed world they had wished for. hope this death causes everyone to go seed mode and own them. dunno whether this and trans-am will enough of an edge for setsuna to finish off saachez. but anyhow i am in awe of ali's piloting. damn cool.

rest of my life's good. just had a restful weekend. finished recharging my GN particles, and all set to go trans-am next week.

2008-02-20T00:33:00.002+08:00

[gundam exia]

this world is truly warped. each day i live, i'm learning and understanding something new that changes all that preceded it by abit, even if just abit, somewhat.

all is truly flux, and all i can hope is to put up a constant fight, to keep this spirit going, to try to make my being, just a little more worthwhile.

its a game this life. survival, madness, whatever u choose to call it, we all play the same game. some are born advantaged, some disadvantaged, yet we must all make the best of whatever we're given. to work like no other, to love like no other, and hope that someone out there's keeping scores. well even if nobody does, i guess we'll always have the memories (until the dementia sets in)

impermanence. enjoy your life while you can.

oh btw, gundam 00 is the most badass thing ever, d gray man's finally unveiled the crown clown. i was convulsing with excitement. go exia, go allen walker, keep that fire burning in my heart that i too can be special someday.

2008-02-15T00:20:00.002+08:00

[happy valentine's day]

spent my valentine's day at home. all wrapped up in your love.

2008-02-09T18:02:00.000+08:00

[doing what you love]

having a crazy day, mind racing thru images past, present and future, as i try to divine a new direction to head.

2008-01-29T00:14:00.000+08:00

[you and me]

finally a english song after so long. you and me by lifehouse.

just watched "dirt" this new series on channel 5. human emotion in its recognisable myriad of forms.

i'm feeling so old these days. dunno when it all happened. no more porsche dreams. all i could wish for is not to be lonely on my 60th birthday, surrounded by frens, family.

more than the people you love, its the people who love you that matter.

learning to see life thru the shoes of many others. hopefully it will put me in good stead as a physician in the future.

2008-01-22T19:03:00.000+08:00

[that green eyed monster]

wanted my first post of the year to be smth resounding, something wonderful, something hopeful but yet it has to be about this.

but the year has begun, 22 days have elapsed. the clock ticks on as i scramble to do the things i have to, want to, hope to do.

despite hearing yet another story of how people can be mean, and having worries that the same events will recur again in my life, i can't wait to keep racing towards the future. i feel lonesome in my thoughts, yet i know i am always surrounded by those i love and those who love me.

2007-12-30T23:06:00.001+08:00

[farewell 2007]

well its time to say goodbye to 2007, when i can, while i can before mugging takes over me. shall share some glimpses into my life at this moment, i guess wad we each are in the present moment summarises all that has happened to us before, though we usually neglect the happy times, focussing on the sadness that seems to pervade

here i am sitting in front of the mess that has become my room, sorting out my things, though i should be mugging. demonstrates my wonderful sense of priorities as well.

i firmly believe that i can finish mugging on time. (this is so that i can reflect in the future on this decision).

just came back from family dinner. also bought a new pair of Puma Munich shoes. got a new Yonex racket. mum had some voucher to use up okay, otherwise the sudden splurge would not be possible. and i wished we could have bought happiness instead, there's just not enough of that these days.

listening to lau's voice on the track on his blog. sounds smoothing, though the volume's so low i can't make out wad he's saying. i miss my friend nonetheless.

just threw away many scraps of paper, i remember going home to home in my estate putting these things in their postbox. that i wanted to teach their kids tuition. felt like jobweek, similar feelings of worthlessness and (imagined) racism creeps in.

saw the various correspondences that led to me being in medicine. the medicine entry tests. the acceptance letter from chem eng. appeal for med again. the failure of that. my heart feels just abit heavier than it already is.

just finished talking to YOU. best thing of 2007.

2007-12-22T10:29:00.000+08:00

[holsiday]

trying to remember my frens this christmas! one more thing to do =)

2007-12-20T03:10:00.000+08:00

[transcend]

i am fearful. the week is slipping away. yet so much remains to be done. yet somehow, i feel my energies have been replenished, somewhat. must be the time to myself, time with family. feels like wearing a new pair of shoes, after the everyday grind takes a toll out of your current pair.

2007-12-13T15:51:00.000+08:00

[guys]

go type lelouch on youtube and watch the rendezvous video. apparently its of a ferrari 275 GTB racing down the streets of paris some long time ago.

anyhow. life is okay.

you're just magical.

2007-12-06T18:45:00.000+08:00

[too much talk]

i feel dumb. seriously. something is wrong.

2007-12-05T00:19:00.000+08:00

[passerbyes]

and so, another blow.

something seriously is wrong.

and yes, curious observation. how suddenly i remember so many people at my birthday party, yet only a handful are really part of my life now.

the rest, well u guys are just passerbys.

how things in life are so impermanent!

the best way to move forward is not to grit your teeth and do some 300 like mad dash. surrender your spirit to your cause, i'm hoping that will get me where i wanna be.

2007-12-02T11:17:00.000+08:00

[simple]

life is as simple as u choose to make it.

see it as a seed, you'll grow a flower.

and as i embrace the coherent, i'm learning the hidden wonders of the incoherent, the illogical, the paradoxical and nonsensical.

beauty in all forms.

2007-11-24T22:25:00.000+08:00

[eternal]

can't wait to someday start life as a doctor, a time when i'm good enough to deserve the Dr. that will precede my name, and yet hopefully, keep the simple humility that threatens to leave so many times during our work each day.

let me be all i can be, for now, let me be the best student one can imagine. and yet not neglect my loved ones (i'm really sorry for neglecting so many friends, i've become so caught up in my own things... i apologise to the so many people i've carelessly rushed by, for whom i decided that spending my time was not worth it. sorry. but let me chase my own dreams as i guess u too have been doing, its finally my turn)

2007-11-15T19:35:00.000+08:00

[total health]

family medicine rocks. the whole-ness of it all.

test tml.

today's main events, me playing GP for the day, and all the other things we learnt from our doctor =)

2007-11-10T11:20:00.000+08:00

[harder,better,faster,stronger]

this post is dedicated to the car. my family car that serves me in all my adventures.

so reliable. that feeling when u go up the multistorey carpark to see him waiting patiently for you. indescribable.

we may not own a porsche. but my toyota sure kicks ass.

somehow its an interesting thing, like how u see the porsche up there as the picture for my blog. in a way, that represents my dreams, like how each day we wake up in the morning feeling like we can take the world if we wanted, and how we go to bed wishing that next day will be better. how the cycle repeats.

like how i know how not-practical it is to spend so much money on a car like the 911 when u can get the same thing from something from costs a fraction, drinks less fuel. sure it doesn't turn heads, cause a churning feeling in men's hearts, or rumble like a lion does in the zoo.

in some way this applies to my changing opinions on women, and people in general. sure you may be hot, but i wonder how wonderful you are on the inside, whether u can give all your best despite having so little to spare.

true beauty lies within and to all the wonderful people in my life, and our car, i think you're beautiful.

2007-11-05T19:34:00.000+08:00

[Death Be Not Proud]
by John Donne(1572-1631)

DEATH be not proud, though some have called thee
Mighty and dreadfull, for, thou art not so,
For, those, whom thou think'st, thou dost overthrow,
Die not, poore death, nor yet canst thou kill me.
From rest and sleepe, which but thy pictures bee,
Much pleasure, then from thee, much more must flow,
And soonest our best men with thee doe goe,
Rest of their bones, and soules deliverie.
Thou art slave to Fate, Chance, kings, and desperate men,
And dost with poyson, warre, and sicknesse dwell,
And poppie, or charmes can make us sleepe as well,
And better then thy stroake; why swell'st thou then;
One short sleepe past, wee wake eternally,
And death shall be no more; death, thou shalt die.

(palliative care posting)

2007-10-31T20:06:00.000+08:00

[clutch in]

somehow feel like slacking today. well, life has been slack, i'm guilty of not using the time wisely to take over the world. (suddenly realising the profoundness of "pinky and the brain" and choosing which one of the mice i'd rather be)

i guess time has largely been spent on love, exercise and eating. i guess its wad i wanted after a draining medicine posting. found time to read 5 ppl i meet in heaven. always wanted to. and so yes, i've grown, hopefully in muscles, general body habitus, and importantly in the heart.

i guess its actually possible to have everything, somehow it all seems nearer that it's ever been. the world for the taking. everything this simple human being could want. and yes, u stand to lose everything in an instant.

okay gonna try to bring it to biting point, i'm holding up the rest of my ambitions, honking away behind.

2007-10-28T19:33:00.000+08:00

[roy croft poem]

“I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.

I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.

I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you
For putting your hand
Into my heaped-up heart
And passing over
All the foolish, weak things
That you can’t help
Dimly seeing there,
And for drawing out
Into the light
All the beautiful belongings
That no one else had looked
Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you
Are helping me to make
Of the lumber of my life
Not a tavern
But a temple;
Out of the works
Of my every day
Not a reproach
But a song.

I love you
Because you have done
More than any creed
Could have done
To make me good
And more than any fate
Could have done
To make me happy.

You have done it
Without a touch,
Without a word,
Without a sign.
You have done it
By being yourself.
Perhaps that is what
Being a friend means,
After all.”

(thought i'd post it here b4 i deleted the .txt file on my desktop, that's all)

2007-10-23T19:39:00.000+08:00

[no problem]

mission for today: same mission as everyday. try to take over the world.

i'm attributing all this to you.

2007-10-18T18:21:00.000+08:00

[things i've learnt]

-knowledge is free. something i wanna hold true in my medical career. well unless i'm gonna win a nobel prize or get to call smth after my name.

-people are special if u choose to make them special to you.

-you can be anything you want to be.

2007-10-17T23:45:00.000+08:00

[love]

love =)

2007-10-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

[one week left... in my life]

i keep telling myself that day is gonna come when i just snap and finish mugging everything in the world in one day.

something where if i din do it rite, you wouldn't have respect me at all. take me for whatever dirt.

i keep telling myself to live each day like its my last. the desperation makes u ignore the simple things that give joy.

strangely a beautiful face is just a beautiful face. either its all cos of you. or something's wrong.

wish i could grab everything i wanted. somehow i feel i have randomly got a large piece of that puzzle.

if so many can do so much with so little, why can't i just be spectacular given all that i have?

2007-10-11T23:16:00.000+08:00

[finish the fight]

kinda regret now wasting so much time in m1 and m2.

especially things that din work thru... now all i have are the scars

all i can do is remind myself never to make the same mistake again, but i'll never know unless i try.

i'm throwing it all aside, i'm finishing this fight first.

i've forgotten how it feels to be special. gotta get back there.

2007-10-07T11:02:00.000+08:00

[fragile]

life's so fragile.

one wrong word can ruin an evening's happiness.

one call can ruin a morning's happiness.

one slip can end your life on the road.

cancers and other illnesses pick people like lottery.

its a miracle just to be alive, well and happy. enjoy it while it lasts.

to all my friends who aren't these three things, just hang in there okay, goodness happens just as randomly as badness. just gotta open your heart to let the sunshine in.

2007-10-04T10:02:00.000+08:00

[psahhhh i hate this stuff]

i feel like a stimpacked marine, who's running out of juice.

i need a new picture for the blog. any suggestions?

i've decided to go watch shoot em' up later. reviews will follow.

MARGH!

2007-10-03T21:41:00.000+08:00

[inspired]

called my cofm patient's son today. finally decided to do it at 930pm despite it being a bad time to disturb anyone. anyhow he was such a nice guy, despite being out of his home.

told me how his father's staying at his mom's place. how his whole family's in india. how he's just set up a new food place. how he would have liked to have me meet his kids. also wants them to be doctors.

kinda reminded me that, whether i like it or not, i'm actually a dream come true, for those around me. and i partly owe it to these people to study hard and someday give back that hope they've put on me by helping them back.

also read AO's post on calberg and frens and overseas life. yeah who would have imagined life was like that! i could use a beer rite now. i think? i miss the pinacolada from alley bar!

medicine posting test. kickass!

2007-09-23T10:13:00.000+08:00

[flaunt it]

TV Rock - Flaunt It.
&
Shake What Your Mama Give You - Dr Zeus General Levy

check out these songs. damn nice to bounce to on a chilly sunday morning. well that's the best i can do. well imagine blasting the music as your cruising in a car. those sinful, sinful moments.

had TWO dreams last night. 1st was about being stealing something, running away from police, only to realise this is s'pore and there's nowhere to run. felt quite sad, the prospects of spending 4months in jail. resolved to occupy my time with meditation, getting to know the other inmates, exercise. hahha these things happen to be all the things i just can't find time to do right now. maybe some time in the 'slammer' could do me some good.

2nd one was about a possibility, someone asking for another chance. shall leave at that.

over the weekend. i've observed that everyone's just chasing their own dreams. i feel like the dude who keeps looking over his shoulder during the race to see if anyone's fallen behind. whilst everyone just seems to be focussing on the race. getting the grades, girls, cash.

my turn.

2007-09-11T22:44:00.000+08:00

[everything]

Michael Buble - Everything lyrics

You're a falling star, You're the get away car.
You're the line in the sand when I go too far.
You're the swimming pool, on an August day.
And you're the perfect thing to say.

And you play it coy, but it's kinda cute.
Ah, When you smile at me you know exactly what you do.
Baby don't pretend, that you don't know it's true.
Cause you can see it when I look at you.

[Chorus:]And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you,
You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

You're a carousel, you're a wishing well,
And you light me up, when you ring my bell.
You're a mystery, you're from outer space,
You're every minute of my everyday.

And I can't believe, uh that I'm your man,
And I get to kiss you baby just because I can.
Whatever comes our way, ah we'll see it through,
And you know that's what our love can do.

[Chorus:]And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

[Chorus:]And in this crazy life, and through these crazy times
It's you, it's you, You make me sing.
You're every line, you're every word, you're everything.
You're every song, and I sing along.'
Cause you're my everything.
Yeah, yeah

So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La
So, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La, La

(i'm sorry dear, i'm afraid to fly.
i wonder if these wings can still hold me up.
i wonder if i can be all u deserve)

2007-09-02T14:19:00.000+08:00

NOBODY GIVES A FU*K

you!!!!

2007-08-30T17:54:00.000+08:00

[unnale unnale]

how wonderful. tamil has a single word that says, "because of you"

and yes. here i am because of you. all of you. well, not only because of you. in some cases, in spite of you. despite of you. without you. against you.

discovered that its possible to fall in love again. and yes, my heart which i regarded a barren soil now promises to become a garden, unnale unnale.

well, i guess promise isn't the right word. i'll just leave it as hopeful.

but the very fact that i can even look down this road gives me hope =)

2007-08-29T22:38:00.000+08:00

[prodrive]

another beautiful moment, driving along an expressway on the 1st lane. with the serenity of the environment, the gentle revs of the engine, the radio for company.

found peace at 110km/h.

2007-08-25T13:50:00.000+08:00

[angry]

how can u call yourself ...

(appeased by songs)

2007-08-19T20:28:00.000+08:00

[guys!]

suddenly wish i did something different.

feel like being selfish and just stick to the people who are important to me. be biased towards them. cherish their company, honour them.

and that doesn't include yoU, yOu, You and YOu (ad nauseum).

in other news.

you are truly beautiful. i've learnt what true beauty is. and its you.

(and NOT yoU.)

2007-08-16T19:54:00.000+08:00

[world is unfair:) ]

hahah took me so long to finally accept and come to terms with the fact that:

drumroll....

LIFE. IS. UNFAIR.

it doesn't matter if you love her more than anything in the world. she'll find someone else.
you think u've studied to most. he gets more marks without doing anything.
or her skirt's shorter.
or maybe he just doesn't give a damn.

so yes. accept it boy. more on.

play the game.

maybe in the unfair world, the dice will swing your way too. take the blessings, dump the birdshit. life's just like that.

somehow i feel more positive about the future.

and yet, i'm taken another step into myself.

2007-08-12T10:48:00.001+08:00

[all good things]

hahah looking thru my childhood photos... putting together smth for my birthday party...

sangae was nice, my cousin is really so talented. goodstuff.

hahaha saw so many beautiful faces, yet all they'll ever be is a beautiful face. for now.

the heart yearns for more.

and an event that occurred last week reminded me of how we really have to make use of these few years to really become competent housemen. not doctors, yet.

and i guess its a unique wonderful feeling to end a late evening lonely, walking to the carpark to see the familiar visage of your car waiting for you. sometimes inanimate things give us the firm constancy that is so missing with people.

but that's not a fault with people, its just the way it has to be. and yet we yearn.

2007-08-10T01:38:00.000+08:00

[moments]

when i was in primary sch, there was this one time my teacher took my fren's book at threw it out of the class for being untidy.

ever since that day, i was always neat, well for a long time at least.

those moments that change our lives.

2007-08-09T21:55:00.000+08:00

[?]

happy national day to all of us!

its already 10.57pm. gwahhh.

time's flying by and i feel i've become a spectator of my own life.

2007-08-05T00:34:00.000+08:00

[love]

nothing like a good ole tamil picture to restore the idealism in you.

reminded of past events, of words exchanged but not kept.

can we ever truly move on? i guess the more important question becomes, how can i love you more? just that for me, the "you" in that statement is variable.

or can i ever love at all? these days i'm so selfish with my time. feel so much of it has been wasted already.

i'll just pray you find happiness. whoever you may be. and along the way, i'll find my pot of gold, somewhere, somehow.

wonder what the future would bring.

2007-07-29T13:26:00.000+08:00

[burn the slate]

well i've decided to try to burn the slate. u know, that slate in which we record the things ppl do for us, and more notably the things they din do.

okay i'll try to keep the one that does record the good things ppl have done for me, i must be grateful. and yup, life's about those who love you more than those you love.

about the bad things, i'll try to throw it away okay? dunno why, it just keeps piling up, maybe recently. i tell myself that i won't be like them, that in the future i'll be better. but who knows what the future will hold. compared to how idealistic i was in secondary sch and JC, i guess i'm already somewhat of a dissapointment to my previous selves.

its like a battle of tug rope, with each lapse u lose abit. and though you don't see it, you've actually slipped quite a fair bit over time.

ahh. heck the future. this present moment is all i'll ever have. and i'll be the best i can ever be, NOW.

guess u can take your "the best is yet to be" and (censored) (sorry old habits die hard)

i am the hope of a better age =)

2007-07-26T19:07:00.000+08:00

[snapshot]

and so. its thursday already.

i'm one case write up away from a weekend.

not to mention another presentation.

feeling detached. but somehow today reminded of what matters most to me.

thank you.

2007-07-22T23:07:00.000+08:00

[the death of a dream]

in my world, dreams die insignificent deaths. i don't like to see them die, i make sure i dun mark the date, cos it just feels sad to remember the date for something sad.

feels sucky to be a victim of fate. reminded of my promise to myself, not to give in to the "bludgeonings of chance".

but dreams have prices too. and so, this dream must go. and as the dreams go one by one, i'm left with those that only concern myself.

cos those are the only ones i can hope to control.

can't help but wonder, what if things worked out differently. what if it never happened. and as the movie "eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" asks, what if u could erase your memories?

would i be a better person if i hoped more? if my defences were less uptight? if i expected more from ppl?

nonetheless, farewell to this dream.

2007-07-19T20:46:00.000+08:00

[when i leave sgh]

sgh rocks.

nothing much else to report.

2007-07-15T00:19:00.000+08:00

[mixology]

life's good. heart's feeling lighter, despite occasional relapses.

considering falling in love with work. its quite charming actually, quite easy to buy into all the "do it for the patients" kinda thing. and when u love your work, u won't have to work another day of your life! imagine that. hahaha i hope i stop working soon, in that case.

okay i've had too much fun this saturday. got to meet up with a great fren. great food. a great nap in afternoon. now. just a random feeling of greatness.

and i hope YOU are feeling that way too. cos you are great!

and yes. my thanks to that one wonderful nurse and the many GREAT doctors i've seen so far. hope i can become like u someday.

2007-07-11T00:58:00.000+08:00

[hey jim]

hey jim, to answer your question, life's pretty hectic... hahaha...

just typed a email to my medicine batch. got back home at 12 after night call which we ended at 11 so that we could take public transport home. at 2nd dinner when i got back. then came online to type the email. now falling asleep as i try to read about pilonidal abscesses, in wikipedia. after listening to this song that i can't get out of my head, i'm gonna go bathe, although i've have to bathe again in about 5 hrs time. hoping to read abit b4 slumber gets to me.

life's good =)

how's yours going dude?

2007-07-09T21:39:00.000+08:00

[monday]

typing monday reminds me of 7days by craig david. ahhh yes, making love by wednesday, and thursday and friday and saturday chilled on sunday.

ugh i hate to keep having to post cryptic posts but it just has to be that way.

sucks to keep having to think back and regret. well i wouldn't be as certain about myself as i am now if it didn't happen, but something has certainly been lost in the process.

oh yah! if u guys had just one wish, wad would it be? wad if u had 5?

2007-07-07T18:45:00.000+08:00

[fleeting moments]

Everything that man esteems
Endures a moment or a day.
Love's pleasure drives his love away,
The painter's brush consumes his dreams;
The herald's cry, the soldier's tread
Exhaust his glory and his might:
Whatever flames upon the night
Man's own resinous heart has fed.
- yeats

2007-07-07T17:58:00.000+08:00

[gwah]

the weather's getting to me. i hope its not a sample of the future to come.

this global warming thing's got me freaked somewhat. i hope we all can take steps towards helping this world that's given us so much. i guess what the paper article wrote is true. if anything, lose hope. lose hope that someone else is gonna do smth about it. i rmb being a small kid and really feeling worried once. parents told me that i can't just take the burden of the world upon myself. then somewhere along the way, i realised u cannot decide for others. but yes, for others, or for yourself, your kids, your family, we've gotta do smth.

feeling drained after trying to organise a transformers outing. din know so many ppl would wanna watch transformers on saturday.

gotta make this life work for me.

2007-07-04T00:49:00.001+08:00

[guys!]

i will work harder.

2007-06-26T23:24:00.000+08:00

[guys]

a big thanks to all the darlings that revived me from the depths of ... well... emptiness

yeah was really nice to talk to all of u after sch finished and meeting the guys in the evening for good ole guys action. happy birthday jim :)

its moments like this that makes it all worth it.

2007-06-25T23:29:00.000+08:00

[i thought i told ya, hey]

what goes around comes back around

i hate saying it, but u brought this upon yourself.

2007-06-23T21:41:00.000+08:00

[sucks]

i feel frustrated. its like there's a world sea out there, and here i am fumbling at the helm unable to even take my ship out of dock.

i want to go so many places, yet i'm stumbling even at the start.

2007-06-22T12:37:00.000+08:00

[waht?]

isn't that a cool way of saying what?

anyhow. life at this moment is wadeva.

2007-06-21T12:06:00.000+08:00

[alot like love]

wah. neckache from all the cable skiiing and love-like feelings really deprived me of a good night's rest. combined with shagness really makes for a unique situation.

what actually seperates love from friendship? or are they overlapping concepts? u definitely can love your friend can't you?

2007-06-18T21:51:00.000+08:00

[timbo]

asked for smth but was denied. well, no answer and the face explains alot i guess.

in that moment, i realised what you must have felt. felt sorry for u. but i guess if u really wanted something, u should fight for it. i know i dun deserve to say that, having just conceded myself, but i tell myself each day that if that day comes, let me be the better man, or let me rot forever.

i hope i can rise to the occasion, when i'm the one who has to be the parent in the future.

i need to scale down some things, lofty dreams have suddenly become to heavy to bear.

2007-06-17T11:09:00.000+08:00

[morning breeze]

its been a chilly morning so far. the kind that makes u wanna remain in bed indefinitely.

but in a way, its a charming weather, the kind you know if u decided to go for a run, you'll feel this surreal feeling... as your heart is beating faster, the sweat, all seems to blend seamlessly into the nature around you. but alas. here i am in front of the computer, listening to Try by Nelly Furtado. what a nice song.

actually the purpose of this post is to thank all my friends, whom i've gotten a chance to meet thus far. i guess being absorbed in CSFC and supps kinda makes you forget the sweet surrender in the company of wonderful people.

looking forward to more frens this upcoming week, but hoping to up the ante and get back to biting point as school starts again.

time to own, something to prove to myself.

and all i can do is try

2007-06-14T21:18:00.000+08:00

[lollipop]

you're not worth it. not at this moment, at least. goodbye, all of you.

sticking with the ppl who matter.

I’ll lick your ice cream. And you can lick my lollipop.
(Dada - Lollipop ft. Sandy Rivera & Trix)

2007-06-13T22:06:00.000+08:00

[makes me wonder]

there's so many things to do, that i wanna do. that i cannot get to doing anything. paralysing. and now that i have internet, flooded with so many ideas. more ideas.

my hols have become this frantic desperation to meet frens. ideally, i wanna have individualy one on one slots with everyone.

learnt i made a big mistake, all in my effort to show someone i cared. shat.

and i only have myself to blame these days.

2007-06-13T15:07:00.000+08:00

[back]

internet's back.

on my command, unleash hell.

2007-06-05T08:47:00.000+08:00

[happiness :)]

listening to raaga.com using computer in school library. suddenly this sudden flush of happiness. i've realised that being disconnected from the internet has actually turned out to be a blessing. somehow it seems i get alot more msgs from frens thru facebook and emails.

shall rmb this happy moment.

somehow these few days i feel/ or want to feel like a dark templar. drawing my energies from the void of space, instead from people, things that fluctuate so unpredictable. feeling hence more rooted, the chill of the void keeps you on your toes.

can't wait to play starcraft 2.

my dear frens, i hope you're all happy as well. you're all in my heart always, i find catch up more when my exam ends. take care, stay strong.

en taro adun!

2007-05-30T17:23:00.000+08:00

[no internet]

hey frens. sorry my modem died on monday... since then have to use the sch comp for internet... so shan't be blogging till i get a new modem from singtel... maybe sometime next week. sadness.

take care ya'll

2007-05-26T18:49:00.000+08:00

[try]

gotta keep going... stumbled upon this song, din know nelly furtado had sung it as well... somehow there's a certain beauty in her voice... somehow... found solace in her words... somehow i feel the lyrics kinda sum up what its like being in a relationship...

"Try" - nelly furtado

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try
Try

All of the moments that already passed
We'll try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
And that's you, baby
This is me, baby
And we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

2007-05-25T08:29:00.000+08:00

[makes me wonder]

currently stoning in medical library, tutorial starts at 845. soon.

hahaha the pleasures of aircon. wad a hot day today.

did u look at the sky in the morning today? so beautiful that shade of blue. gives hope =) show's wad a good artist God can be. or maybe its just by chance? but like some would argue, wad's the chance of everything working out so beautifully? improbable, but not impossible.

just like how we struggle through life.

my favourite kick ass lyrics currently, from my boys Maroon5's new hit, Makes Me Wonder,

I still don't have the reason
And you don't have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a f**k about you

have a wonderful day ahead ya'll :)

2007-05-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

[deal or no deal]

no matter what the crowd or your "supporters" are shouting, remember its you in the hot seat each time.

sometimes its good to be your own man, each day passes as the many people of your life just pass by. faces faces faces. you give your best of what u can offer them, but when out of sight, u have your problems to contend with. your own demons to fight. and yeah, everyone else is fighting their own demons as well. not bad, not a ripple in the emotional state, was generally composed for most of the day, tml i'll try even harder =)

somehow it feels like i'm digging for treasure, and the soil i've dug out is only seperating me from my fellow diggers, even as i go even further towards my dreams.

saw a porsche today. kinda fulfilled my desire of late to see the beast as night, that silver not shimmering in the sunlight but its ominous presence prevading in the hearts of who stop to look.

hopefully we're all headed to the same place, hopefully i meet u along the way at least.

2007-05-21T19:52:00.000+08:00

[the process]

i'm slacking like shat. and have somehow passed the afternoon without doing work.

just wanted to share some things i realised when gymming.

suddenly, there's so many nice guys around! yah good news for all you gals. everyone seems to be doing the right things for the girls in their life.

somehow i rmb the time when i wondered why guys just din know how to be nice to girls.

but all that has changed now. made me wonder, in a few years time, will it even matter wad people used to be?

like i rmb all those punks in RI, just din give a damn. the kind who'd raise his fist at the smallest excuse. then they suddenly when JC and became angels. will it matter who they once used to be?

feeling kinda cheated, cos i wish i had been more like that. cannot be bothered, just do your own thing, dun care if you're stepping on someone else's toes, if you're hurting anyone's feelings.

learning point: i'm gonna appreciate each person as a process.

so the next time u see this old dude drive by in a mercedes, try to think of the path he took to get where he is now, instead of just thinking he's always been rich (but that's also possible).

the process.

2007-05-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

[one last indulgence]

came online to type a post, a last indulgence before i face the tasks i'm supposed to complete today. having a surgery test tml, hope to go prepared, whether or not i remember all the steps, at least i can say i've read up.

hope that works out well.

5 days of clinicals await.

talking to a good fren now. yay.

love?

2007-05-17T08:15:00.000+08:00

[wheeee]

i ponned.

time to get priorities straight.

had a morbid breakfast today. the newspaper that was laid out to prevent the table from being dirtied was this article about this father who wrote a book about his son who lived his life with courage in the face of a terminal cancer.

and remembering morbid, yesterday before tutorial. saw a "tray" coming out of a ward, properly containing a deceased person inside.

finding new strength thru a poem.

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishment the scroll
I am the Master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul.

-- William Earnest Henley

2007-05-14T21:51:00.000+08:00

[myself]

you may have just saved me from myself

thanks

2007-05-13T20:49:00.000+08:00

[gwah]

cannot be bothered~!

keepyourhandsoffmygirl... andtherecordkeepsplayingthesameoldsong

may this night last forever

2007-05-12T19:57:00.000+08:00

[ennai konjam maatri]

love revisited. remembered one quote from a movie.

there may be a thousand reasons for why a union of hearts shouldn't take place, but for it to happen, all it needs is one good reason.

and for all doomed relationships, it is my conclusion that that one thing was lost.

2007-05-10T22:06:00.000+08:00

[how to save a life]

when i stepped past the gates of my house, i noticed all the shoes in a mess around the shoerack. i thought, well let's just do our own part, so i kept away all my shoes properly. leaving my bro's shoes still everywhere.

after my nap, i wake up, realise an entire argument had gone on, probably arising, precipitated by the untidiness of the shoes and the socks left strewn around.

"had i'd known, how to save a life"

2007-05-09T22:36:00.000+08:00

[i wish]

hahah feeling quite dumb for getting myself into my current predicament. i mean, everyone else seems to make it, what's wrong with you!?

i wish could just heck everything and study lah. CSFC is damn waste time sometimes.

i wish mother's day could be like later in the year, when i could possibly dedicate more time to doing smth.

while everyone's focusing on being a better clinician, here i am revising the microb.

2007-05-07T21:53:00.000+08:00

[addicted]

why does the heart keep searching on and on? it feels like i'm the hapless maid taking the giant pet heart for a walk and its going whereever it wants to and i have to keep tugging back to keep it from wandering off to danger.

well danger?

i just need a break, but i realise quite a fair deal of love waiting to happen out there.

for now, let me just focus on the task as hand, as i prepare to escape the executioner, as each day feels like the noose is getting tighter.

2007-05-06T18:10:00.001+08:00

[....]

"gimme hope jo'anna." the lyrics keep replaying in my head, though the song is about some sociopolitical issues in Africa. something like Walking on the Sun by Smashmouth. Hiding some serious stuff in soothing songs. devious.

"hope before the morning comes"

i guess my favourite scene in S3 was when the final battle stage was set. the reporter's voice in the background as spidey swings into the swing.

the words we've heard so many times before yet had a special significence for me today.

"just as all hope seems lost"

kinda makes u feel that no matter what great shithole you're in. u can find a way out. or maybe just stay afloat long enough for others to save your sorry ass.

resolved to grow out my hair and look more "professional" than my current "sporty" look.

finally dared to ask for reasons today. reasons that seems so .... were they even said then?

well, till the next person saves me from the shambles i've been reduced to yet again.

i guess my attempts become whole again were recently interrupted. shall pursue that course yet again. only way i can ever see myself truly free from the vicissitudes of fate. at least, from other people.

2007-05-02T20:37:00.000+08:00

[fear]

results out on friday. maybe its a good thing. get resolved faster. either in or out. in any case, its scary.

today learnt respiratory exam. definitely not as hard as the book would make it out to be.

in a way, it feels like doing comm service every day, talking to patients and finding out what's bugging them. today the dude held my hand, think i should have just stayed to talk. i hope he's okay, surrounded by people who love him, even though he's returning to a Home for senior citizens.

finally doing what i wanted to do from the start.

Home is where the heart is? for me its become somewhat related to my problems of my heart. i hope u can understand.

jinyi's bday on friday. kinda looking forward to it, a chance to hang out with the class, and one really special dude.

and i've decided to just spend more time with the imaginary girl in my head. decided its quite safe and i won't go all psycho doing that. i hope. yups that's what its all about. hope. and a regular dose of soppy movies with happy endings should keep me going.

cheerios.

2007-05-01T21:46:00.000+08:00

[show me the horizon]

i remember what captain jack sparrow says at the end of the first Pirates of the C movie. smth along the lines of ... ahhh... now show me the horizon... and the scene shifts to show the boat sailing off into the open see, no land in sight, the warm glorious glow of the sun for company.

having one of those moments where u ask yourself. what's holding you back from having all that u want? doing all the things u intend to do.

happiness. in some strange way. nothing in front, clear roads, time to hit the accelerator, see what this baby's got.

now to get stuff done before sleep gets to me.

2007-04-29T21:21:00.000+08:00

[dream]

had this dream just now that somehow i was recalled to army. saw my platoon sgt. however my section/platoon consists of mew, jim, kums, and other randomers! how strange.

then somehow we're supposed to immediately leave for some mission somewhere.

told not to bring handphone but i decide to smuggle one in, cos i had no time to tell my parents of this sudden overseas deployment.

i hurriedly pack my bag and as i head for the jetty the boat's already leaving.

but somehow i desperately wanna get on so i jump on random other boats and finally do some commando crawl on the rope connecting the boat to another boat.

after my exertions to get on board i only get asked by my friends why i just couldn't wait for the next boat. felt sad.

then we reach the place. feel jungley. get briefed in the attap hut thingy, by some person. our local guide is this lady called codename "gold fish" or smth weird. "gold fish" wears a tight cheongsam, with alot of makeup on her face. somehow reminds me of the female tanya-like unit u can command in C&C: Generals.

then everyone runs out of the room after the briefing and the person tells me to take the bottles of water that have been left there for us. but most of the guys are already out and i scramble to take as many bottles as i possibly can.

end of dream as i wake up sweaty and mostly confused. and partly sad.

2007-04-29T18:12:00.001+08:00

[abyss]

time is flying so very fast.

"Whoever battles monsters should take care not to become a monster too, for if you stare long enough into the Abyss, the Abyss stares also into you."
—Friedrich Nietzsche, Beyond Good and Evil, chapter 4, no. 146

2007-04-28T11:06:00.000+08:00

[nihilism]

while the disk defragmentation goes on in the background, decided to check out marvel supervillains, namely Morlun, Thanos, Annihilus. Its amazing how much philosophy and metaphysics are used to back the marvel characters, and the stories about them.

then found out that Thanos, believes in Nihilism. first i dunno what that is, so decided to google it. found out... "Nihilism (from the Latin nihil, nothing) is a philosophical position which argues that the world, especially past and current human existence, is without objective meaning, purpose, comprehensible truth, or essential value. Nihilists generally assert some or all of the following: there is no reasonable proof of the existence of a higher ruler or creator, a "true morality" is unknown, and secular ethics are impossible; therefore, life has no truth, and no action can be preferable to any other."

recently i have been wondering where all this is headed. the world doesn't seem to have any purpose. we just live. we consume and eventually just increase the entropy of the universe. we try to be good cos we tell ourselves its worth it. the few things we try to keep constant, like a raft we cling on to, as we are bobbing aimlessly in the wide sea of eternity and infinity.

finding peace with the universe.

2007-04-24T21:24:00.000+08:00

[tools of the trade]

when u learn diseases, its so easy to just say what's wrong. but imagine u have a person who just walked into your clinic, how would you go about elucidating the facts you need, understand the unique beliefs of your patient, and institute a proper treatment regime that will be adhered to.

now is the time for lofty ideals, best case scenarios. i have this gut feeling tomorrow's session at the wards will draw my attention to other things, namely my lack of ability to converse in chinese.

2007-04-22T17:07:00.000+08:00

[life goes on]

saturday was 01 campfire/annual show. well maybe we've all just gotten sick of the video + show concept, maybe we all could use a simple campfire's-burning-draw-nearer kinda campfire. been a long time since i attended one of those btw. still remember have to soak the wooden chunks in kerosene. then dry them. nice.

really looking forward to tomorrow. i'm hoping somehow i'm reborn tml, finally able to cast aside everything, anything, anybody who's been holding me back. just open your wings, catch the upward breeze and soar. For the One who's always been looking out for me, please give me the strength and courage to let me be all that i can be.

it feels like the first day of going to RI. check whether your shoes are polished.even the tiny specks of dust over the day must be exterminated. plan timetable. see which class/ clinical group you're in. haven't gotten to deciding what to wear, just off yet. but definitely gonna iron better than i usually do. and yeah just remembered wanna send some dudes some smses!

first impressions count =)

btw, managed to finally extract the photos from my own camera, had to charge the lousy batteries first. i miss the place somehow, i guess i miss the company much more, and leaving all my worries when i crossed the causeway. more msgs due?

wow. more things to do. good things.

somehow i'm always afraid my past experience has screwed me for life. quite coincidentally, just as i was thinking about it, stumbled about this segment of a tamil movie. this guy was charged in court for attempting suicide. he accepts wadeva punishment the court will give him but claims that the girl that caused his suicide attempt should also be prosecuted. well she's hauled up in court, she comes to learn from the millions of sources how much he cared about her. btw, she dumped him cos they were off different status (he sells tea. she's some rich kid studying college). finally she changes her mind and declares that she'll marry him, and the court throws out the case. so outside the court, she comes up all smiley to him. (at this point, i was SERIOUSLY hoping he WON'T do the TAMIL MOVIE thing, which would be to just say "hey i love you, come let's live happily ever after") and yes. he did NOT. badass scene lah. excerpt...

guy: it took u all these other ppl to know how much i loved u, yet when i myself pleaded and cried in front of you, u couldn't see it... u din like me cos i can't speak english, well here's the only word i know, GOODBYE (of course this Goodbye is repeated like three times, the classic ECHO effect used for impactful stuff)

BADASS.

anyhow quite alot of parallels with my own life, now and then, so yeah quite a memorable movie.

a new age is upon me, as i race towards that milestone when i reach 21, so many things i hope to achieve by then.

yet the shroud of microB will haunt me, i will do the necessary.

2007-04-21T16:48:00.000+08:00

[evolution]

first and foremost, just to let smth out, "go directly to Hell, do not pass Go, do not collect $200."

just some random unresolved hate lingering around, decided to smack it down.

speaking of smack that, my body's still aching from our smack that session, must have been putting it thru quite some strain these few days. and the rhinorrhea doesn't seem to be abating. the sickly feeling sucks. high morbidity.

i have been mustering enough energy to type a post. really have been feeling so tired and too overcome to write a simple blog post these days.

my conversations with Eros. i've decided to love. i've learnt that its foolish trying to ask, what does Love mean, absolute meaning? i guess its more relevant to ask, what does Love mean to you? do u still love when its one sided? i've had too many experiences with unrequited love, yet the path ahead seems to be this well trodden path yet again. and yet, the hope keeps me going.

and yes, reminding myself that love should not ask for anything in return.

too many comic books too many comic books. u buy into the superhero mentality, strive for things far beyond yourself, definitely far even for superheroes if they were around in the flesh.

but then again, life as a normal person, seems, normal.

i need to sleep again. goodnight world. campfire later. ROCKS.

2007-04-17T21:52:00.000+08:00

[just so you know]

hahah i stand at the edge of the cliff. wondering if i should take that next step in the blind faith that something will hold me up.

if it feels so stupid, maybe i just shouldn't do it?

2007-04-13T06:52:00.000+08:00

[beautiful]

hahah slept so long. from around 8pm last night all the way till 6am in the morning. if i had hanged in there longer, it'd be 12 hrs of zzzzzzzzz.

but i'm still tired, its when u get too much sleep when you don't want it, u wanna keep doing things.

anyhow here's a beautiful song, that accompanied me thru the exams but din get the time to put up the lyrics... an interesting point to note, as the DJ on the radio was saying... what if the pieces never fit in the first place?

"The Pieces Don't Fit Anymore" - James Morrison

I've been twisting and turning in a space that's too small
I've been drawing the line and watching it fall
You've been closing me in , closing the space in my heart
Watching us fading and watching us fall apart

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore

You pulled me under so I had to give in
Such a beautiful mess that's breaking my skin
Well I'll hide all the bruises; I'll hide all the damage that's done
But I show how I'm feeling until all the feeling has gone

Well I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

Oh, don't misunderstand how I feel
Coz I've tried, yes I've tried
Still I don't know why
No I don't know why

Why I can't explain why it's not enough
Coz I gave it all to you
And if you leave me now
Oh just leave me now
It's the better thing to do

It's time to surrender
It's been too long pretending
There's no use in trying
When the pieces don't fit anymore
The pieces don't fit anymore

2007-04-10T00:49:00.000+08:00

[what makes u any better?]

just one of those deep emotional episodes that always come during exams. maybe its just exam stress expressing itself via my other insecurities, issues.

think i should try to figure out new ways to improve my means of studying. AFTER the exams.

u know, sometimes pride gets the better of you. u just wanna stick to your way. obstinately.

and i guess the constant pressure to BE THE CHANGE, to do the right thing, has made me somewhat, screwy. maybe the word is self-righteous, though google doesn't seem to enlighten me sufficiently on the meaning of the word. the words, the words, they make all the difference (a simple few words by a fren made me elevate her to the highest levels of my respect and concern). back to the self-righteousness, it just makes u kinda detached from things. like the correct decision has already been made, its just whether u want to follow it. in a way, u become a slave to things beyond you, although u yourself have yet to make that transcendance, look beyond the trivial things that you're not supposed to be bothered with. its the trivial things that do matter, yet u should learn to let them pass.

just feel like tearing everything down and starting with nothingness. get rid of all that pride, holier than thou bullshit, just see things for what they are instead of what they should be. i guess that means we still dream. the big dreams. but u don't let the dream dictate your life?

figure this out soon.

2007-04-09T00:44:00.000+08:00

[thankyou]

to the song that saved me from the coldness of the night.

"How To Save A Life" - The Fray

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through
Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
And you begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

Let him know that you know best
Cause after all you do know best
Try to slip past his defense
Without granting innocence
Lay down a list of what is wrong
The things you've told him all along
And pray to God he hears youA
nd pray to God he hears you

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

As he begins to raise his voice
You lower yours and grant him one last choice
Drive until you lose the road
Or break with the ones you've followed
He will do one of two things
He will admit to everything
Or he'll say he's just not the same
And you'll begin to wonder why you came

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life

2007-04-07T18:34:00.000+08:00

[snap]

wish everytime in the future i feel like just doing nothing, i could remember this moment. but i haven't been slacking haven't i? but why does it feel the same feeling all over again? maybe i'm just at my limits, i shouldn't think i can pull off last minute things like most people around seem to be able to do.

feeling fat, from too much food and too little exercise. and no. i'm not just randomly complaining. going for a run seems like a luxury. confined to crunches to contain the expanding belly.

hair is long. needs cropping.

hahah john legend's PDA must be song of the moment. maybe we'll go too far? let's go somewhere they can follow us? hilarious, a song all about PDA.

and maybe i've found my calling. shall see if the feeling still lasts after exams. i guess when you get to explore your deepest emotions as part of your work, definitely quite some innate motivation there rite?

read with interest about developments in dating and SDU's new role in guiding other organisations. well, i think i'll give it a shot, someday. who knows rite?

just like how i wanna drive F1 and before that go watch vroom vroom at sepang, someday. (parents warning how dangerous it is) maybe mclaren or ferrari will hire me. why doesn't porsche have a team? i'm curious how they change gears, since both hands on steering. some levers on the steering wheel. then in that case, issit an automatic transmission, no need to worry about clutch? and they seriously go very fast. woah.

i miss you, clutch.

(hahah that sounds good enough to be the title of a new blog, if i decided to create one.)

maybe we'll go too far?

2007-04-05T22:50:00.000+08:00

[studystudystudy]

taking a break from owy to appreciate stoning and doing nothing. went blog surfing, nothing really much, maybe one exciting post?

prisonbreak's going on now... decided to skip it and mug...

muggggggg

hope it works out well. supps are sucky. i know the feeling.

2007-04-03T22:18:00.000+08:00

[guys]

just a random shout out against all the hate in the world.

why?

i want my porsche. boooo. nowwww. dun wanna drive one when i'm 60!

just went to check out matrimonial webpages. dunno why, cos i fren mentioned it once to me?

just feels so sad. seriously.

2007-04-01T22:21:00.000+08:00

[the mind's a terrible thing to waste]

hahah shall enjoy the "chella peru apple" song after this post.

anyhow i feel i may have found my calling. something to do with the human mind. neuroscientist? psychiatry? as i scratch at the surface slowly, trying to make sense of epilepsy and anxiety, the ways of the brain and how they relate to our emotions is really wonderful. imagine, someday maybe the whole brain gets mapped out, we figure out all the components to the machine that is our mind, explain the human psyche. could we then predict everything? i believe that day will someday come.

wow. and i wish i could traverse throughout this world, and live a day in everyone's life.

2007-03-31T00:10:00.000+08:00

[colergenics]

check this out, quite accurate description of your state at the moment
http://www.paulgoldin.com/colorgenics.htm

well this is mine. quite depressing, but i feel largely accurate.
____
At this particular time you are feeling the results of extreme stress and you are seeking a 'way out' but you are pushing too hard. Obviously you need peace, tranquillity and contentment. Your temperament is such that you are hoping, unrealistically perhaps, that your desires will shortly be fulfilled (even if at this time you are not quite sure what those true aspirations may be!).

You are working extremely hard - perhaps even above and beyond the call of duty. You are preparing for the future and therefore trying to build a firm trouble-free foundation upon which you may base all of your dreams and aspirations.

It is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no one to rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you'll have to make the best of things as they are.

Setback after setback has resulted in considerable stress and now you have got to the stage where you are continuously on your guard, not only to protect yourself from others but to protect yourself from yourself. It would seem that many of your unfulfilled hopes and dreams have led to uncertainty and suspicion. You no longer wish to answer to others and you are insisting on freedom of thought. You feel that you are fully self-sufficient and can control your own destiny. You are seeking ways to protect yourself from further loss of prestige and against further setbacks. You have become very dependent and you doubt that matters could possibly get any better in the immediate future and this negative attitude is leading you to exaggerate your claims and to refuse reasonable compromise.

You wish to be left in peace... no more conflict and no more differences of opinion. In fact you just don't want to be involved in arguments of any shape or form. All you want is for 'them' to get on with it - and to leave you alone.
______

2007-03-28T00:57:00.000+08:00

[the plot thickens]

haha remember those mystery movies, where some guy just randomly declares that, "the plot thickens!"

well, pictures speak a million words. learnt a fair bit of gossip deciphering pictures today. well i guess mainly two main informations? okay just learnt something else on facebook. pictures pictures. and another one? well, seek and you shall find? hahaha din have to put in much effort

anyhowwww. realised something profound?

the brightest lights also cast the darkest shadows. just some phrase i created that kinda explains that our closest, most guarded hopes and dreams are equally capable of giving us immense joy and at the same time immense sorrow.

my guiding quote being "be the change you want to see in the world", i guess my way to letting go slowly is just expecting less change in the world, and hence having to be less of a change. kinda sad, the day when i expect nothing in this world. i already tell myself not to expect things of people, as much everytime i do smth i wish someone could do the same for me.

i should write down what i'd like to see, maybe remind myself now and then.

2007-03-24T21:18:00.000+08:00

[suttum vizhi]

currently singing along with this song! rocks lah. hopefully my voice gets lower (dreams on) and then can sing other songs.

yah. another thing to work on during the hols. learn how to sing! wow. imagine that. the gift of singing...

anyhow. i was going to describe my train ride today. first. there was the SMELLY dude. i sprayed my deo on my own bag in the hopes that the emanating smell will neutralise the stench from the fella. you're stinky! next. there was the kids! these small bundles of joy with large vocal cords. i could see the father gave up hope alreadi lah. hope i dun have kids like that. more reason to get a car, eh? then there was the PDAing couple standing next to my seat. the girl's arms were like around the dude. btw she's damn tall lah, or her legs are just so long. basically her waist was at my head level, with a skirt that din go too far down either. not only that, think i saw like dunno how many lovey dovey couples on the way home. good lah, love is always a good thing. but just dun do it right it front of me. if i could i'd do it far away from your prying eyes too. then on the bus. there were these PUNKS. some secondary sch kids who were like cursing hokkien vulgarities each sentence. then they randomly started fighting. was tempted to relocate myself. sigh. kids these days.

wad a trip!